1. Which Bible figure is most closely associated with leading the exodus from Egypt?

• Job
• Elijah
• Moses (72% correct)
• Abraham

I’m pretty sure I learned this from Charleton Heston, and I’ll bet you did too.

2. What was Mother Teresa’s religion?

• Catholic (82% correct)
• Jewish
• Buddhist
• Mormon
• Hindu

This question had the second highest percentage of correct answers, probably because it’s practically a current event. As for the 18% who missed it, wasn’t “Mother” a big enough clue?

I’m going to credit my correct answer to the fine education given me by Sally Field and Alejandro Rey.

3. Which of the following is NOT one of the Ten Commandments?

• Do not commit adultery
• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (55% correct)
• Do not steal
• Keep the Sabbath holy

I recognize the Golden Rule when I see it, and I know the Golden Rule isn’t one of the Commandments, soooo…

The overall poor performance on this question will undoubtedly be used to argue for Ten Commandment statues in all our public places.

4. When does the Jewish Sabbath begin?

• Friday (45% correct)
• Saturday
• Sunday

I have some sympathy for people who answered Saturday; it a sense, the answer is Saturday if you track days from sundown to sundown.

I’m sure I didn’t know this until I was an adult and noticed that Jews left work early on certain Friday holidays to ensure they were home before sunset.

5. Is Ramadan…?

• The Hindu festival of lights
• A Jewish day of atonement
• The Islamic holy month (52% correct)

It’s entirely possible that I learned about Ramadan from Hakeem Olajuwon, which is a little weird, because there was a famous—more famous, even—Muslim basketball player before Hakeem. But I don’t remember any stories about Kareem fasting during Ramadan.

6. Which of the following best describes the Catholic teaching about the bread and wine used for Communion?

• The bread and wine actually become the body and blood of Jesus Christ. (40% correct)
• The bread and wine are symbols of the body and blood of Jesus Christ.

I have a lot of sympathy for people who got this one wrong; after all, it’s the 21st century, not the 11th. Surely no one believes in literal transubstantiation anymore, right?

In fact, I’ll bet the main reason the score was so low was that most American Catholics don’t believe in literal transubstantiation, and the people surveyed took the question as being about belief rather than doctrine. Even among Catholics, only about half got this question right.

I’m not certain how I came to know this answer, but I do know why I was able to come up with the right answer immediately: the hoopla surrounding P.Z. Myers’ “cracker incident” from a couple of years ago.

7. In which religion are Vishnu and Shiva central figures?

• Islam
• Hinduism (38% correct)
• Taoism

I learned about Vishnu from George Harrison, of course.

8. Which Bible figure is most closely associated with remaining obedient to God despite suffering?

• Job (39% correct)
• Elijah
• Moses
• Abraham

The low score on this one is just stunning. I am absolutely certain that I have never read the story of Job, and I have no knowledge whatsoever of the details of his suffering. But just as I know who Captain Ahab was despite never reading Moby Dick, I know who Job was just by living in Western civilization.

Is it possible that 60% of Americans have never heard the phrase “patience of Job”?

9. What was Joseph Smith’s religion?

• Catholic
• Jewish
• Buddhist
• Mormon (51% correct)
• Hindu

I got the answer to this one from the angel Moroni, who delivered it to me on a golden plate. Either that or Roughing It.

10. According to rulings by the U.S. Supreme Court, is a public school teacher permitted to lead a class in prayer, or not?

• Yes, permitted
• No, not permitted (89% correct)

This was the highest score, which proves that Americans can learn something if there’s a controversy surrounding it.

11. According to rulings by the U.S. Supreme Court, is a public school teacher permitted to read from the Bible as an example of literature, or not?

• Yes, permitted (23% correct)
• No, not permitted

And this was almost the lowest score, which proves that learning one thing gets us tuckered out, and then we like to curl up in bed and listen to Rush.

Note, by the way, the wording of these questions. To avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of the Religious Right, Pew didn’t say that prayer in public schools was restricted by the Constitution, only that the (goddamned liberal out of control) Supreme Court had (illegally) issued rulings to that effect.

12. What religion do most people in Pakistan consider themselves?

• Buddhist
• Hindu
• Muslim (68% correct)
• Christian

Credit for this correct answer goes to Gandhi. My wife, I’m sure, would want to put in a good word for The Jewel in the Crown.

13. What was the name of the person whose writings and actions inspired the Protestant Reformation?

• Martin Luther (46% correct)
• Thomas Aquinas
• John Wesley

Theses, schmeses.

Pew doesn’t report on wrong answers, so I’m left wondering how many people thought the Protestant Reformation was encouraged by Saint Thomas Aquinas.

14. Which of these religions aims at nirvana, the state of being free from suffering?

• Islam
• Buddhism (36% correct)
• Hinduism

Nevermind.

OK, seriously: I read a lot of science fiction in my teen years, and the stuff that was written in the 60s and 70s often had Eastern religions mixed in with the space travel and zero-gravity sex. Nirvana was in there somewhere.

15. Which one of these preachers participated in the period of religious activity known as the First Great Awakening?

• Jonathan Edwards (11% correct)
• Charles Finney
• Billy Graham

I confess. This was the one I didn’t know for sure and had to make a guess between the first two. Maybe if I’d gone to an Eastern school instead of a land-grant university, I’d have known about Edwards from his connection to Princeton. But I didn’t—I learned that from Wikipedia after the test.

So maybe a fairer score for me would be 14½. At least I knew it couldn’t be Billy Graham.